# Introduction In this essay I am going to explore the challenges I faced in exploring life while also figuring out how to spend my time. In retrospect, and through analysis of the self, I came to see that my journey so far has been centred around seeking for truth. Moreover, I recently began to notice that it is in this lack of pursuit of truth that people generally fall into traps, which I will discuss in this essay, and autopilot which halt the development of one fundamental mechanism by which we allow ourselves to be human: to think. Specifically, the art of critical thinking. Throughout my life, one figure that remained to consistently enter my thoughts, at various intervals, was Jesus. I am of great awareness that my relationship with God is not perfect and in this essay I will also discuss the challenges that one is presented with in wanting to do something great but also carrying out the will of God. # Back to Square One After I received my A level results, I made it clear to my parents that I wanted to continue my journey of trying to go pro in a video game. At this time, I had the belief that I could be great at anything I put my time into as long as I truly wanted it. The driving force behind this desire was that I wanted to leave no stone unturned, I did not want to live my life with regret and or thoughts of "what if…" To say the least I quit this pursuit after 8 months (March 2025), but after I quit I was essentially left with a big hole to fix. It was a hole of time, a hole of action, a hole of progress. My first impulse was to look into starting some form of a business, *after all you can't be rich with a normal job* I thought. So I began studying how to make money, how to make a business and how to be effective. My purchase history consisted of tens of books that, to this day, have mostly remain unread. The time I had outside of work was filled with listening to the likes of Alex Hormozi and consuming media after media on business. This process repeated for months until I started to humour some thoughts that arose: "What is wrong with me?", "Why am I not making money?", "Am I living in fear?". I did the actions that were of little significance to moving me forward to this goal of making money, as I set up a website, made social media accounts, but never did I do something that produced real value to someone (a fundamental part of business). Many ideas for money generating mechanism were generated. Countless afternoons, evenings and sometimes nights were spent on thinking about how to make money and how to make a business. But I kept circling around the same idea which was that I wanted to help people learn faster and not waste money on tutors and ineffective methodologies that lead to becoming, in my opinion, half-baked students. However, no matter how close I got to taking **real meaningful action**, I consistently stumbled as a result of fear of time, inefficiency, and failure. Thoughts of "This will take a long time", "But I want something with more money", "What if it fails?" ultimately engulfed me. # A Shift in Perspective During this time I encountered some of the teachings of Ned Hallowell, of which the main insight that suck with me was that one needs to look at their strengths or what they like doing or have thoughts about, rather than their weaknesses or what they are seemingly pushed or forced to do. This encouraged me to look deeper, at my past and present, and conduct an analysis of "**what do I actually want to do?**". I had a great realisation. The knowledge I was obtaining was not in line with my conscience and the belief in what I think God wants me to do. There was a lack of true understanding and want to the actions that I was essentially convincing myself to do, through exposure of knowledge. > This understanding and want that I mention is similar to that of the experience that produces flow state. For the modern day population it may be easy to think of video games or doomscrolling, because time seems to fly by, but in reality it is most likely that one is numbing themselves from reality using these actions. > > The most obvious example that explains this topic well is in education. It is shown in the difference between child that is programmed and trained by all means to be a doctor and another that has an intrinsic desire to help people without any need for worldly goods. > > My grandma has this saying "nie bądź filozofem" which translates to "do not be a philosopher" but the meaning of this phrase is more like "stop *(over)* thinking" > > To some extent I agree however in my experience of observing the actions and mindset of people, this concept is solemnly adequately discussed to the point of true understanding. Francis Bacon highlights this distinction well: > > “The men of experiment are like the ant, they only collect and use; the reasoners resemble spiders, who make cobwebs out of their own substance. But the bee takes the middle course: it gathers its material from the flowers of the garden and field, but transforms and digests it by a power of its own.” > [- Francis Bacon](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/170799-the-men-of-experiment-are-like-the-ant-they-only) > > In this analogy the ant is person that gathers and takes action without sufficient judgement, for example a student who gets told to study X amount of time per subject per week (this student does not examine the advice). The person that predominantly generates ideas through their own mind is the spider, an example of a person that is slave to their mind in this way is a student that takes action on their studies according to what they believe will work such as rereading a textbook many times *because surely it will stick eventually*. Lastly, a bee is one that appropriately integrates all domains : collecting, doing, and thinking. A student that over time collects different revision methods, puts them to the test and uses them dynamically but appropriately based on the situation they are in, due to the necessary assistance of critical thinking. > > The pattern that I came to see was that people generally lack the integration of all of these domains, resulting in 3 main problems: > 1) Doing too much -> Lacking collecting resources and thinking > 2) Collecting too much -> Lacking action and thinking > 3) Thinking too much -> Lacking action and collecting resources I was a pendulum swinging between collecting too much and thinking too much, with the common denominator being the lack of action. The lack of action is the main aspect which I feel qualified to talk about further in this essay. # Faith In recent times I have become very passionate about reading the texts published on the [vatican.va](https://www.vatican.va/content/vatican/en.html) website. In specifically I want to talk about the [NOSTA AETATE](https://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decl_19651028_nostra-aetate_en.html) and the [Evangelium Vitae](https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_25031995_evangelium-vitae.html) which exposed to myself and put into words beliefs I held but could not come out and be articulated and remained in the subconscious. In addition, I have recently started to develop an understanding of St. Augustine of Hippo, whom I chose as my confirmation saint. ## Nosta Aetate > She regards with sincere reverence those ways of conduct and of life, those precepts and teachings which, though differing in many aspects from the ones she holds and sets forth, nonetheless often reflect a ray of that Truth which enlightens all men. > – Nosta Aetate This sentence is the one that stuck with me the most as it highlighted the idea that in everything there may be rays of ones own truth. In this Catholic view point, the Vatican is able to be on common terms with groups that share the idea of caring for the poor, as one example, all while the groups are worship a *different* God. It almost felt like this, divinely inspired, text gave me permission and freedom to seek the rays of truth in all that I know. Most importantly, with this new found permission I was shift my approach to simply asking more questions. For me this came into practice when looking back at all the knowledge I had acquired and I was now able to look at it from a fresh point of view where I take it less at face value. In reality I had already done this before when I was trying to go pro in a video game, as back then I kept asking questions and being open to different ideas and seeing which ones worked best for me. In addition, I had a faster feedback loop and took action which I was no able to replicate into *life outside the game* when I quit. ## Evangelium Vitae > In the materialistic perspective described so far, interpersonal relations are seriously impoverished. The first to be harmed are women, children, the sick or suffering, and the elderly. The criterion of personal dignity-which demands respect, generosity and service-is replaced by the criterion of efficiency, functionality and usefulness: others are considered not for what they "are", but for what they "have, do and produce". This is the supremacy of the strong over the weak. > – Pope St. John Paul II – Evangelium Vitae – Section 23 > Here we are faced with one of the more alarming symptoms of the "culture of death", which is advancing above all in prosperous societies, marked by an attitude of excessive preoccupation with efficiency and which sees the growing number of elderly and disabled people as intolerable and too burdensome. > – Pope St. John Paul II – Evangelium Vitae – Section 64 This document is a papal encyclical containing authoritative Catholic teaching on the value of human life. What I would like to focus on is the root issue that Pope St. John Paul II has identified which is that society is becoming evermore obsessed with efficiency and outputs rather than maintaining human dignity. When I reflected upon my own past I noticed that I too had been a victim of this mindset. I was too focused on how many things I can get done in a day, what would be most efficient to do and potentially even how it might impact others perspective of me. This devil that I faced wanted me to feel like I was never enough, rather than cheering on and enjoying what I could do. Ultimately my attention was too narrow on the byproducts rather than the process itself which should consist of providing whatever value I can in a way that aligned with my values and conscience. When a plane departs from a runway only in an emergency does it change its landing destination. I feel like this idea is also well explored in the book "Slow Productivity" by Cal Newport. This idea that doing less is actually more, because you have more focused attention, less annoying admin tasks and most importantly set a mission and take necessary action to get there. Going back to the Evangelium Vitae, the "culture of death" reference applies not only in a sense with abortion and euthanasia but with personal life too. So many times have I known people and heard stories of people working so long and or so hard that it has a toll on both their physical and mental health. This includes all aspects of life whether at school, university, work, entrepreneurship, and much more. When I worked as a lifeguard at a swimming pool, I heard many stories and even had to deal with an emergency when a man had a seizure after exiting the steam room, and a year later someone fainted while in the steam room. It may be irrelevant to the situation, however it is clear to see how much people are pushing themselves for short term gains or even something that they do out of [mimetic desire](https://lukeburgis.com/mimetic-desire-101/). # Lessons ## Goal Setting & Trusting the Process We are told to set goals all the time. But I did not even know there was different types of goals and that my conscience and goal setting process had an unhealthy relationship. It is obvious to me that when I quit trying to go pro in a video game, I had consistently set myself compensatory goals. These are goals that were set to make up for the feelings of inadequacy and 'being behind'. Essentially after quitting the pursuit that took up over 10,000 hours of my youth, I, without realising, set goals to make up for what seemed to me like lost time. These compensatory goals for me link with this mindset that somehow became of part of life which got me to observe events and life through the lens of efficiency and output, without asking "is this good?" > When I say "good" I refer to the chapter in Genesis of the bible when God saw that all he made was good. In the same way I wish to look upon my actions throughout life and say that they are good, while praying for mercy from God if my conclusions of what I am doing or thinking is actually not good. > > "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good"(Genesis 1:31) My actions in the past seemed to be a form of [acedia](https://www.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/audiences/2024/documents/20240214-udienza-generale.html?utm_source=chatgpt.com), linking back to the times that I observed myself being a pendulum between collecting too much and thinking too much. My days felt the day and time went by, it was only when I took action on ventures that I intrinsically wanted to take action on that I made some progress. For example, on one random day, the 26th May 2026, I had this feeling that I wanted to look up if there were any apprenticeships open to apply for. Since this was during the time coming up to the end of the school year, I did not expect any to be open. My mother and I sometimes looked at apprenticeships open previously but the peak season is between September and February so I felt like I was too late. But there was hope, I can't remember how but, I stumbled upon an open application for an apprenticeship with Virgin Media O2. It was a role that I thought would suit me well as it combined sales and technology. It was the only apprenticeship I applied for during this time. Nevertheless, out of over 500 applicants and 2 roles I was accepted. **A 0.4% Acceptance Rate** I do not look at is a 0.4% chance, because I believe everything that I had done in my life has helped prepare me for that specific opportunity. Such as my interest in developing my communication skills in my free time by doing recommended drills suggested by [Vinh Giang](https://vinhgiang.com/). Had I not carried out dedicated practice and improved skills that I intrinsically wanted to improve and was weak at, I believe I would have been at a strong disadvantage when attending the virtual assessment centre. This is because I trusted in the process of improving the capacity of the 'toolbox' that I always have equipped with me in life. So many people are outcome focused, including some of my family which honestly puts me a step back, but I am not surprised they are. For it's easy to think about the outcome, but only when you cannot understand and appreciate the process and the inputs. **So what does it actually mean to trust the process?** *How does it relate to goal setting?* The most important criteria one must be able to achieve to set a good goal, based on my experience, is: 1) Specific 2) In Control 3) Measurable Is the goal specific and narrowed down enough? Not just "I want to get healthier" but breaking it down so you understand what success means: "Exercise 4 times a week". Are you in control of your goal? Observing whether the goal you are setting is totally in your control allows you to identify if the goal is not influenced by factors you cannot control. A bad example would be "Lose 5kg" as many factors influence this, such as if are you totally in control of the food you eat or maybe you are someone that eats whatever their parents cook and you do not know precisely your metabolism and all the other factors that go into this sort of goal. Finally, is the goal you are setting measurable? There must be, at least a baseline, number or standard that is attached to your goal. When there is no target to hit your floor and ceiling are both made of glass and you just succumb to your impulses and or urges. Only once this is achieved in a form that works for you, may you appreciate what it means to trust the process. You can only control your inputs and one day you will reap from the byproducts of those inputs. It took 8 years to build and plan the spaceship and the mission to go to the moon. But only 4 days to reach the moon. ## Beware of Traps It seems like the modern has an infinite amount of traps one can fall into. There appears to be a common denominator between most: an unhealthy relationship. Compensatory goals are the results of an unhealthy relationship with time and goals. The modern day efficiency mindset can be seen as an unhealthy relationship with purpose. Serving money as God can be seen as an unhealthy relationship with fear, money, and values. The topic of identity appears to be at the root of most of these traps but a concern is that your identity, thoughts, actions, and habits take a fairly long time to change. > This makes sense by looking at the negative. Let's take the example of a father who takes care of his family. If he shouts at his child one time, would his inner identity or line of thought change? Probably not. From my experience and research, identity requires proof to change. It's like you need evidence to prove to yourself that you have the right to label yourself with a specific characteristic. Therefore, my framework for getting out of these traps is to take a clear look at oneself. At any point in time it is almost guaranteed that you are in a trap and it is also your job to get out of that trap, otherwise you will keep walking into these traps without knowing that you are now chained down. Good Questions to Ask Oneself Are: - What emotions am I feeling? - What am I actually most afraid of happening right now? - Is the perception of others impacting me? - What shapes my thoughts? - What do I really want to do but haven't done? - Do I have any regrets? - How do I talk to myself? Then after asking some questions to yourself, you can keep digging. Ask "Why?". Then "Why?" again. I have found this method works well with someone else to produce honest answers, that might have not otherwise come up if doing this alone. Ultimately, if it seems we are on such a path to desire happiness and show it to the world, then why is it that so many people are afraid to even mention their periods of sadness or fear. How is it that it's easier to find someone scrolling on TikTok than it is to find someone thinking about their own thinking, or even talking to someone about how they feel, not just an "I'm good, how about you" ## The Path Has Already Been Walked I had a blast reading the texts published on the Vatican's website. I thoroughly enjoy hearing [Dr K's](https://www.healthygamer.gg/dr-alok-kanojia) videos on all sorts of topics. I love reading nonfiction books as well as literature such as Shakespeare. To say the least, the answer you are looking for is already out there. The words to describe your situation have already been said. After all, we are all human and therefore share this amazing experience of life. Reading anything, from religious texts to true crime books, can be of great power as they get us asking deeper questions that will hopefully lead to us resting our heart somewhere that we love deep down. Do not be afraid to seek the truth, as it is your truth and no one can take it away from you. Though one must be able to defend their truth and stand by it. For we have seen what happened to the Romans as their defences got picked away, and what happens to spaceships if there is a very small marginal error. > "Lord, you have made us for yourself and our heart is restless until it rests in your" > – St. Augustine # Conclusion It has been a real challenge to navigate life while also having my faith built around Jesus. Not all advice and wisdom I hear is aligned with my conscience so it takes real effort to do things that are good in this world and not just to be a means towards worldly goods. It is unfortunate that the world is not setup in such a way to make it easy for us to do the good we want as it is tempting to overthink about money problems or how good you will appear to other people. However, this is where collecting knowledge and knowing how to digest it properly comes in. Additionally, the present is literally a present, we are gifted every moment with the opportunity to make a choice. We must unravel this present and jump for joy as we are gifted the greatest gift for humans on Earth: time. > "It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested." > – Seneca, On the Shortness of Life Know that you were walking, acknowledge the chains on your legs, eliminate the root cause, walk free alongside your peers with eyes open. It will be hard to do it alone. > "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." > – Proverbs 15:22 > "Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers." > – Proverbs 24:6 # Notes In this essay, I do not intent these lines of thought to be excuses for certain inaction, I am simply breaking down my experience which lead me to land on this philosophy by which I believe I will have in my toolkit going forward. Some parts of this essay were not in chronological order. I do not recall exactly when I stumbled upon certain learning. I want to document this not as proof of any significant singular action taken yet but of the enlightenment that as a believer in Jesus being God I must align my life that way. Date of writing: 27th August 2026 - 30th August 2026